No self hating

You know what? I am done, I am done with being my own worst critic and being constantly setting myself up for failure. I am done telling myself I suck, I am done telling myself how I am a big screw up and I am done on blaming myself for things that happened in the past. The psycho sister that helped me today said it loud and clear: I am not allowed to say that I suck. I have decided I am not allowed to hate myself anymore. It is self destructive behavior that needs to be corrected. I am not perfect but no one is. I am good enough to have friends, and even people that don't know me very well care about me and worry about me so suck it depression, and self doubt I am kicking your ass out of my life.


A couple of days ago I posted this as a Facebook status. Honestly is easier said than done. It is very hard to correct a destructive behavior that you have been dealing with for most of your life. It is so easy to go back to beating yourself up and just completely ignoring the fact that you are not as awful as you somehow made yourself believe. 


I haven't updated in a while and mainly due to the fact that it has been rough. There was a week when I just didn't want to deal with anything and I felt really sick. I missed my testing and it's just ugh. The other girls have gotten so much better and I can't even begin to even string my thoughts together to decide whether or not I have done a lot of progress. I think it is mainly due to the fact this is my second recruitment. I mean, it makes things harder on me and it makes me be so self conscious. I feel that when I see how far the other girls have gone compared to how I am doing is just bad. I still get exhausted when we're doing laps, I still can't do most of my falls properly and I still feel like a giant dork every time that I skate. 

My roommate took a video of me skating. 

After looking at that video I can see what I am doing wrong, and I have been trying to correct it but honestly is so many things I have to keep track of it. I think I am doing better but there was a big moment that almost knocked me completely out. I fell....

Now if you read this blog you are aware that I fall a lot. However this time I was practicing crossovers with one of the psycho sisters and somehow I fell in such a way that my shoulder landed straight up in the ground. At first I decided I could stand up and shake it off. A sharp pain shot through my shoulder and I started laughing because I couldn't believe what had just happened. I don't remember anything at all of what happened next just getting a bag of ice and a bunch of people talking to me. Honestly I just remember it being the next day and me seating at the doctors. I got some x-rays done and the doctor then informed me that I had a bone bruise. She said it could be about as painful as a fracture and that it is the step right before a fracture. She told me I could still skate but to be careful. 

I hardly was able to function properly during that practice. 

It took me a couple of days but finally at last practice I felt myself coming back again. I think it was the fact that my roommate was able to get back on skates and she had a very tough conversation with me in which I saw that other people are also insecure about how they skate and to her I have gotten better. I still do not see it, and even when the coach asked me who was that girl that she just saw doing some of the exercises I still can not see myself actually improving. However, I trust other people's judgement about it a lot more since they have not always tried to sabotage me unlike myself. 

With that being said I am so proud of Heather. After being off skates for a month she was skating so much better on the last practice that I have ever seen there. The other Lunachics have gotten so much better too and I am so impressed that most of them are still in. I am even so impressed with Ashley who didn't give up on backwards skating, and I am so proud of who I was paired up with who didn't hate me after I completely landed on her due to my own clumsiness. I wanted to kick myself so hard due to me making someone else fall over. 

See what I told you? This whole process of not hating myself is a very hard one but I think I am making some progress. 

Recruitment and Training Day 1

I would like to start this by saying that I have no idea how this thought of me being graceful on roller skates came to me. Oh, wait I know perfectly well what happened.

There I was one day with nothing to do on a weekend when my friend Heather asks me to go see derby with her. Now in my head I just thought of hot girls on roller skates beating each other up. Then I thought of how cool fishnets and booty shorts were and I decided that hell yeah I was going to see roller derby.

During the match, seeing those girls be so graceful and just bad ass moved me and a couple of months later my friend told me about recruitment and how she was  thinking of going. It became clear that she was going when she bought the skates so I shrugged my shoulders and decided why not.

Did I stated all ready that I have the grace of a rhino? I flail my arms around and it takes a lot of concentration for me to coordinate what my arms and legs are doing together. Also I fall on a regular basis. One day I tripped on my own feet and fell down the stairs in my apartment, I am also ridiculously tall and sometimes get off balance when I'm regularly walking. So you should realize that there is absolutely no real reason why I should be doing this to myself. Oh I also hate sports, get easilly tired and I'm incredibly lazy. Yeah, this seems like a great idea.

Well recruitment came and went. Everyone was extremely nice to me and my friend. just getting to know these wonderful and amazing girls made me want to do it even more. Also... I fell a bunch of times and got a bruise on my knee. I'm not joking, seriously...look:

Yes, I got a bruise after only 20 minutes of skating. Told you I was as graceful as a rhino. After recruitment I also decided to go and try things out at an adult skate at a local ring. never again I got run over EVEN on the beginners ring. Well, might as well get used to that.

It is noteworthy to say that there was a drawing of a rhino on the wall. The rhino was more graceful than I was.

Today I felt sick to my stomach while thinking about doing training. I don't even own my own pair of skates! I have to use the rental ones, and most of my gear is hand me downs. Oh yeah, this is how I'm rocking it! We learned how to fall. You would think that after falling so many times I would know how to do it. Well... I don't. I seem to have the consistency of a water balloon so while the other derby girls seemed to glide on their kneepads I just fell down and...exploded. We also did the slider falls which I kind of got the hang of.

The strange part is though even though all of this I want to go and do it again. Well I all ready spent the same amount I make on a whole day of work and am aware I will spend a lot more on it so I'm probably going to stick around for this. But I will probably kill myself in the floor or get run over.