Itzilla is born!

I used to be really good at the whole walking on skates without rolling but now I really suck at it. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong but well... in the middle of practicing them our coach looks at me and asks me what happened to me. Apperantly I am moving my feet a lot higher than before and I keep stomping my feet around more too when doing this exercise xD. She said that I looked like Godzilla to which I just responded ITZILLA ROAR!!! Well... I was very amused.

I have been thinking about something today I am not quite sure what I can bring in the plate to the league. I mean Heather is really good at helping new people and all ready encouraged someone that was thinking about leaving to stay. I can see what all of the other girls in recruitment can bring to the League but me? I have no idea.

This goes back to my whole insecurity issues I know but I am just not quite sure what I can bring. I am not the most sociable person and usually when people talk to me I feel very awkward. I am not as badass as most of the girls and I just don't know...

Anyways, practice was amazing. I am feeling so much better than I used to about this. I mean I still have some problems skating but crossovers I am a hundred percent that I got those down. However I need to work on my stamina and do exercises for my thighs. My thighs are incredibly weak so every time we do squats I can feet my whole leg shaking uncontrollably. I know whine whine about not being able to be athletic. Hey! I'll get there and one day laugh at my whining.

Or so I hope. Also I am finding myself not as scared of falling as I was last recruitment and even when I manage to fall like a flailing flamingo I still get up in 3 seconds or less brush it off and just keep on skating.

 I got my first derby bruise well first one I noticed. I have a lot of weird bruises in my arms but I am not quite sure if those are from derby. I know this bruise is not as cool as the ones I used to get but well whatcha going to do. I am sure I'll soon get some that are as awesome.

On Saturday the boyfriend, Heather, her co-worker and I are going skating. This is going to sound really corny but I am so excited. I know that the boyfriend can skate, but I know he doesn't really like doing it that much so I asked him really nicely and he said yes. So I am curious to see how well he can skate and of course he will probably skates better than I do... but hopefully I can transform that part into making him a zebra. ;-)

Struggling with myself.

I have been avoiding updating due to being tired of posting very sad posts. However, I decided that since this deals with part of my struggles in becoming  derby girl that I should post about it. Mind you this isn't about self pity or about trying to get attention but this blog has been the one I have most recently been keeping up to date so I might as well just talk about this.

I have dealt with depression since middle school due to things I rather not get into detail about. For this past year I have been seen a psychologist that has helped me with it. I have not informed him that it gets worst at certain times and I have never been able to pin point exactly when it happens. All I know is that there's just some time where I can't even roll out of bed. Usually it affects my school work, I avoid going to school because I'm finding it hard to get out of bed. Then I have missed class for so long that I don't see a point in going back.

It seems that right now it's affecting something I've been aiming for. I don't low I just feel like I keep getting in the way of people. The past few weeks the change of schedule in our practices have messed up with my class schedule and my work schedule big time. Plus add to that the fact I'm in midterms, and I can't even breath due to the fact that i'm freaking out about accomplishing my school goals, my relationships goals, and trying to get into derby that i just feel like screaming and just crawling into a hole and die.

I think the breaking point was Tomahawk Stops, it seems that everything has just unraveled since then and I just can't find the courage or the energy to push myself back up. Today I'm missing practice due to my work requesting something I have to hand in tomorrow. Instead of working on that I find myself just crying and sobbering to myself wondering why I even decided this was a good idea and how much I wish I could just strap on skates and do everything.

Not to mention that my checks get mailed and I'm missing one check and I haven't paid dues and I am just wondering if I am really meant to do this. I don't know if I'm meant to skate, I don't know anymore if I'm even meant to be doing this.

I just don't know if I can anymore.

Skating it out

Note to readers: This was supposed to be posted a long time ago. I'm sorry that I have failed in keeping up with blogging. This post will be composed of the Thursday before last, and Sunday before last. There will probably be another post tomorrow regarding last Thursday and today

I have been lacking on my updates. Originally I wanted to try and post after every practice but this past week some personal drama has come around and has left me not wanting to write much.

Thursday before the last (or something like that the dates are all jumbled in my head right now) We had our first exam. Honestly, I didn't think that I was horrible until we started testing. I don't know if it was the nerves since everybody watched me but I just couldn't get anything down right. The most terrifying and horrible part was when we were doing jumps.

I am sure the girls, coach and everybody else thinks that I can't do jumps. If I was them I wouldn't believe me too. I have to get my friends that have practice with me on our own time to vouch for me so I don't look like a liar and they will say that I can do jumps amazingly while we are doing it on our own. I can do double jumps I don't need to do the step jump I can just bring both of my legs up and get a lot of air. I have no idea how I'm capable of doing these but I can. However, put me in front of a crowd at practice or make myself aware that I'm being watched and I'll fall over. I can't even do the jump steps during practice.

It was time for testing and I was feeling confident in at least my jumping and I was concentrating and thinking I will show them once and for all that I can do these jumps. I did my weaving and then sped up to try and do the jumping section of the test. I felt so confident going up to those noodles that I just kept thinking I can do this! It's all mental I know I can do this. When it came time for jumping I jumped but somehow slipped and I fell backwards very hard.

It was mainly scary, I couldn't even stand up for a moment it hurt so bad. I felt tears in my eyes due to pain, humiliation, and also frustration. I was scared that I had broken something. I was humiliated that I had failed so hard in front of everybody. I was frustrated that I couldn't do what I had done hundreds of time in private. I was frustrated that I was crying and that everybody was probably wondering what was wrong with me and what an idiot I was. I heard a distant voice ask me if I was ok. I shook my head from side to side to signal a no but then I pushed myself up and heard the question again. There was so much pain running through my body. I wanted to just give up, to just skate pass the noodles and not even attempt to jump them. I don't know how I was able to at least attempt to step jump them and I was able to do it without injuring myself too much. I felt like such a failure at that point that it was a miracle I even managed to talk to anybody after that. We didn't even finish our testing that day and I was so beat and disillusioned that right off the bat I didn't even think I wanted to go to Sunday's practice.

 Sunday started awful. I had a rather emotional moving situation in which I had to pack my stuff and move them from one place into storage. We got done and got some lunch and had about an hour and a half before practice. I was feeling awful, just dragging on and wanted to just call out of it. This kept going back and forth between my roommate and I who kept trying to convince the other to either go or not go to practice. Somehow we pushed through and decided to go.

There were still some parts of the testing we had to do. I felt like vomiting through most of them, however I didn't do as bad as I thought. I can't do one foot glides yet, but I did a lot better than usual when we did the pace lines. We did pace lines and then we had to break from pack and catch up to it again. The first time I tried to do them I couldn't keep up at all with anyone, but this could also be that the other girls are also improving and pacing themselves to match all the skaters in the group.

Even though that sounds incredibly optimistic there were parts of practice were I felt like vomiting. We did this exercise were we got into a pack and were assigned numbers. When the numbers were called the girls with that number had to do double knee falls. No one knew anybody else's number. There were points were I have no idea how I didn't run somebody over, and we did it for a rather long time in which I was certain I was going to pass out.

It was hard to push through and there were times were I just wanted to go home, however my roommate kept telling me to just push through and at the end of practice there was an opportunity to keep skating or go home. Somehow we managed to keep skating and we got to practice with the Psycho Girls which was amazing. I am so touched with how encouraging all of them are, and how sweet they are. Honestly if it weren't for most of there words of encouragement I would just have thrown the towel long time ago.

Oh! I almost forgot! The coach told my roommate and I something funny. We were paired to practice blocking and she tells us "Understand that if I can make you guys into blockers even I will skate away from you guys". Which pretty much means that she has faith that we can become amazing blockers, and the rest of the Psycho Sisters believe the same thing so... I can't let them down. As frustrating as it is I have to keep pushing myself hard, even if I think I'm getting nowhere.

Remember how I said I didn't get a bruise on last post? I lied. I have a bruise from doing crossovers were  I think part of my leg landed on my wheel.

Boyfriend's comment: "That's gross." I took it as a compliment :).

My skates hate me

Good news first! I got some extra money I wasn't expecting and was able to purchase some new skates. Skating is so much easier now and I don't get as frustrated, however I believe that my skates hate me. I feel that they are so confident in themselves that they scoff at the idea of a newb like me wearing them. They probably laugh about me behind my back and roll their eyes when I'm wearing them. Yes, my skates definetly hate me.

Yes, you know that we're in for a thrilling post when that's the first thing I start off with. I missed Thursday practice because  of a previous engagement. The previous engagement was a date with my boyfriend to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2. It was a job related thing so yeah I would have felt horrible if I had told him that no I was going to go practice.

Today's practice was the first outdoor practice I was able to do stuff in. My friend and I always get to the practice early and we were talking with some of the other recruits. Meanwhile a lone guy was practicing lacrosse. I wasn't paying a lot of attention to it until all of the sudden  I feel the impact of the ball on my leg. Honestly I didn't even realize the ball was coming towards me until I felt it.

 It doesn't look like much, but believe me if hurt like a bitch. I was seating there and realized that it was going to suck if this was the only bruise I got today.

 I have to point out that it was my first time trying outdoor wheels. I had skated the night before with my new skates and done fine but with these outdoor wheels it felt like I was slipping every four seconds. I excused myself to change my wheels and came back and felt more comfortable after this.

More comfortable wasn't good enough. There's a LOT of skaters better than me. I'm at the bottom of the scale right now and I try pushing myself, and pushing but I know it's not going to be good enough. By missing the last session I missed on jumping, I missed on weaving in and out... and I am just horrible at skating. I was able to do some jumps... but not when the coach was watching. When the coach watched me I freaked out and fell. I also managed during a jump to smack myself in the nose with my own hand causing myself to bleed a little bit.

Except it's a she but you know...(http://fuckyeahrollerderbyotter.tumblr.com)

We were doing paces when I just broke down. I started crying as I tried to catch up with the others. I fake that I am confident very well but in reality due to personal events that I have been through I am not. I just fell all my insecurities float up... but I kept skating. I kept doing it. Even if I was far behind and even if during pyramids tears were flowing down my eyes as my mind tried to set up traps telling me that I can't do it. I was probably very slow...and I'm probably not going to make it into the league after this one recruitment.

When we started there were 35 of us now there's 15. Most of the girls have had skating experience (some of them have done derby before, are figure skaters, etc) so I am aware that I am at the bottom of the pile. However, I am not giving up. I will continue skating through tears in my eyes, and when it feels like my body is falling apart I will keep on going.

No one said it was going to be easy, I can't do crossovers, I can't lift my leg up and glide, my body seems to be terrified of the superman falls but it doesn't mean that I will never be able to do them. When I finally make it through I am going to be so proud of myself. Right now? At least I can derby stance like a motherfucker.


Also yes, that was my only bruise for the day. I am sure am a winner aren't I?

Dehydration sucks just as much as not having skates.

On Thursday night/ Friday morning I woke up with a horrible headache. I tossed and turned and I kept getting hot and cold. A part of me thought I was going to die as I stumbled towards the bathroom and managed to lean over the toilet and threw up the contents of my dinner.


It was only when my friend walked up to me with a cup of olive juice that I realized that I was dehydrated. I made sure to drink water during and after practice. I was feeling fine during practice, not dehydrated at all or even thirsty. When I got home I felt a bit strange and saw odd colors as I blinked but I thought I was just exhausted.

After that night of throwing up and being sent home from work due to not being able to keep anything down I have a new sentence to live by: Drink water. Honestly, if I drink too much it will never be enough. I never want to be that sick ever again.

Sunday was outdoor practice and I felt useless... I don't have skates yet so I wasn't doing much. I just got to watch people getting better while I just stood in the sidelines. It really sucked because I can't make it to this Thursday's practice due to a previous engagement so unless I get skates before Sunday's practice I will be pretty much missing two practices.

I know, I know, is too early for me to be missing practices all ready but...thing is I managed to be invited to an early showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 so yeah...that definitely takes priority even though I'll be thinking about what is going on at practice I still plan to enjoy myself.

Conclusion: Drink water!