No self hating

You know what? I am done, I am done with being my own worst critic and being constantly setting myself up for failure. I am done telling myself I suck, I am done telling myself how I am a big screw up and I am done on blaming myself for things that happened in the past. The psycho sister that helped me today said it loud and clear: I am not allowed to say that I suck. I have decided I am not allowed to hate myself anymore. It is self destructive behavior that needs to be corrected. I am not perfect but no one is. I am good enough to have friends, and even people that don't know me very well care about me and worry about me so suck it depression, and self doubt I am kicking your ass out of my life.


A couple of days ago I posted this as a Facebook status. Honestly is easier said than done. It is very hard to correct a destructive behavior that you have been dealing with for most of your life. It is so easy to go back to beating yourself up and just completely ignoring the fact that you are not as awful as you somehow made yourself believe. 


I haven't updated in a while and mainly due to the fact that it has been rough. There was a week when I just didn't want to deal with anything and I felt really sick. I missed my testing and it's just ugh. The other girls have gotten so much better and I can't even begin to even string my thoughts together to decide whether or not I have done a lot of progress. I think it is mainly due to the fact this is my second recruitment. I mean, it makes things harder on me and it makes me be so self conscious. I feel that when I see how far the other girls have gone compared to how I am doing is just bad. I still get exhausted when we're doing laps, I still can't do most of my falls properly and I still feel like a giant dork every time that I skate. 

My roommate took a video of me skating. 

After looking at that video I can see what I am doing wrong, and I have been trying to correct it but honestly is so many things I have to keep track of it. I think I am doing better but there was a big moment that almost knocked me completely out. I fell....

Now if you read this blog you are aware that I fall a lot. However this time I was practicing crossovers with one of the psycho sisters and somehow I fell in such a way that my shoulder landed straight up in the ground. At first I decided I could stand up and shake it off. A sharp pain shot through my shoulder and I started laughing because I couldn't believe what had just happened. I don't remember anything at all of what happened next just getting a bag of ice and a bunch of people talking to me. Honestly I just remember it being the next day and me seating at the doctors. I got some x-rays done and the doctor then informed me that I had a bone bruise. She said it could be about as painful as a fracture and that it is the step right before a fracture. She told me I could still skate but to be careful. 

I hardly was able to function properly during that practice. 

It took me a couple of days but finally at last practice I felt myself coming back again. I think it was the fact that my roommate was able to get back on skates and she had a very tough conversation with me in which I saw that other people are also insecure about how they skate and to her I have gotten better. I still do not see it, and even when the coach asked me who was that girl that she just saw doing some of the exercises I still can not see myself actually improving. However, I trust other people's judgement about it a lot more since they have not always tried to sabotage me unlike myself. 

With that being said I am so proud of Heather. After being off skates for a month she was skating so much better on the last practice that I have ever seen there. The other Lunachics have gotten so much better too and I am so impressed that most of them are still in. I am even so impressed with Ashley who didn't give up on backwards skating, and I am so proud of who I was paired up with who didn't hate me after I completely landed on her due to my own clumsiness. I wanted to kick myself so hard due to me making someone else fall over. 

See what I told you? This whole process of not hating myself is a very hard one but I think I am making some progress. 

Disciplining myself

This Friday I got very, very sick. To the point where I actually went to the doctor. Yes, I'm the type of person that doesn't believe she's sick or decides to go to the doctor until the pain is excruciating. After groaning and feeling like I had the first case of the zombie virus that would someday doom humanity I found out that my kidneys (which have been giving me problems since I was younger) are not quite up to par with how they should be.

Due to this I have been put on a gluten free diet. I have been told to keep my sodium to a minimun, to avoid milk, fast food and a bunch of other things that I am finding hard to keep track of. So I am not a very happy person because honestly if it's one thing that I love to do is eat. I told my co-worker today about my diet and he said "That is awful! You love food!". Apparently one of the first things that I told him when I met him was that I loved food.

I haven't told anyone in the league yet because I feel like they'll think I'm making up excuses, and honestly I've been skating with this problem for a while so I don't really think that they need to know about it.

Last night's practice wasn't really one of the best, I don't know why but I just wasn't up to much and I keep feeling like I haven't improved at all as such I decided that next week asides from the derby workout challenge I am going to discipline myself into a very strict schedule that will make me skate more often than I am right now.

This schedule will not only affect my skating time though, this means that i have to kick my butt into shape about schoolwork. I am planning on doing homework the day is assigned so right after I am done with it I can go skating. I am also planning on working out more often than right now, and to just eat healthier in general.

Of course the eating part is pretty much being forced on me but I will take it as an opportunity to grow and get better. I will beat this condition and I will become better for it. I will skate better and harder at each practice than before and somehow I will manage to get stellar grades.

I promised this to myself last night, and I am not letting myself down.

Roller Derby Workout Challenge

Yeah... I'm going to try this. Not quite sure how long it will last.

BREAKFAST 

Day One

2 scrambled eggs

¼ cup shredded cheese

1 slice whole wheat bread spread with unsweetened natural peanut butter

1 cup grapes

Day Two

½ cup low fat cottage cheese

1 apple

1 slice whole wheat bread spread with unsweetened natural peanut butter

Day Three

2 egg omelet

1 cup spinach

1 ounce feta cheese

1 pear

Day Four

1 egg

1 cup cooked oatmeal 

½ cup mixed berries mixed in

Day Five

1 egg fried in 1 tsp olive oil

1 slice swiss cheese

on 1 whole wheat English muffin

Day Six

1 cup sliced cantaloupe

½ cup low fat cottage cheese

1 turkey sausage patty or 2 slices of turkey bacon

Day Seven

½ cup low fat plain Greek yogurt

½ cup berries

1 slice whole wheat bread spread with unsweetened natural peanut butter

LUNCH

Day One

1 cup lentil soup

2 cups spinach salad

with ½ cup cheese

olive oil and vinegar dressing

Day Two

5 ounces grilled chicken

2 cups salad 

light Caesar dressing

½ apple

Day Three

3 ounces turkey lunch meat

½ cup lettuce

½ cup tomatoes

mayonnaise

in 1 whole wheat pita

Day Four

6 large shrimp

3 cups chopped salad

w/ mixed veggies

olive oil and vinegar dressing

Day Five

½ cup grilled chicken salad made with mayonnaise (make it how you like it but be smart!)

1 slice whole wheat bread

1 slice cheese

Day Six

5 oz Grilled fish (any kind)

in olive oil with lemon

large side of asparagus

1 pear

Day Seven

3 ounces turkey lunch meat

1 slice cheese

1 slice whole wheat bread 

mustard and small amount of mayonnaise & ½ apple

DINNER

Day One

1 cup whole wheat pasta

5 ounces grilled ground turkey

½ cup tomato saucesprinkled with ½ cup parmesan cheese

Day Two

5 ounce grilled chicken breast

grilled in olive oil

with 3 cups vegetable stirfry (no noodles!!)

1/2 ounces dark chocolate

Day Three

5 ounce grilled chicken breast

1 cup broccoli

1 baked sweet potato

Day Four

1 ½ cup whole wheat pasta

6 ounces grilled chicken

1 cup broccoli 

½ cup of tomato sauce

2 ounces dark chocolate

Day Five

6 ounces of grilled salmon

1 cup sautéed spinach

½ cup whole grain rice (no white rice!!!)

Day Six

5 ounces of grilled chicken

½ cup red onion

½ cup red peppers

½ cup corn

1 whole wheat tortilla

Day Seven

5 ounces pork tenderloin

½ cup unsweetened apple sauce 

1 cup brussel sprouts

SNACKS

½ ounce low fat cheese

½ orange

1 ounce turkey lunch meat

1 cup strawberries

small handful of peanuts

1 string cheese 

½ cup red peppers

½ cup cottage cheese

1 small peach

1 orange

small handful of almonds

1 hard boiled egg

½ piece of whole wheat toast

spread with unsweetened natural peanut butter

1 cup naturally popped popcorn (be careful of the kind you microwave!)

small handful of cashews

Itzilla is born!

I used to be really good at the whole walking on skates without rolling but now I really suck at it. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong but well... in the middle of practicing them our coach looks at me and asks me what happened to me. Apperantly I am moving my feet a lot higher than before and I keep stomping my feet around more too when doing this exercise xD. She said that I looked like Godzilla to which I just responded ITZILLA ROAR!!! Well... I was very amused.

I have been thinking about something today I am not quite sure what I can bring in the plate to the league. I mean Heather is really good at helping new people and all ready encouraged someone that was thinking about leaving to stay. I can see what all of the other girls in recruitment can bring to the League but me? I have no idea.

This goes back to my whole insecurity issues I know but I am just not quite sure what I can bring. I am not the most sociable person and usually when people talk to me I feel very awkward. I am not as badass as most of the girls and I just don't know...

Anyways, practice was amazing. I am feeling so much better than I used to about this. I mean I still have some problems skating but crossovers I am a hundred percent that I got those down. However I need to work on my stamina and do exercises for my thighs. My thighs are incredibly weak so every time we do squats I can feet my whole leg shaking uncontrollably. I know whine whine about not being able to be athletic. Hey! I'll get there and one day laugh at my whining.

Or so I hope. Also I am finding myself not as scared of falling as I was last recruitment and even when I manage to fall like a flailing flamingo I still get up in 3 seconds or less brush it off and just keep on skating.

 I got my first derby bruise well first one I noticed. I have a lot of weird bruises in my arms but I am not quite sure if those are from derby. I know this bruise is not as cool as the ones I used to get but well whatcha going to do. I am sure I'll soon get some that are as awesome.

On Saturday the boyfriend, Heather, her co-worker and I are going skating. This is going to sound really corny but I am so excited. I know that the boyfriend can skate, but I know he doesn't really like doing it that much so I asked him really nicely and he said yes. So I am curious to see how well he can skate and of course he will probably skates better than I do... but hopefully I can transform that part into making him a zebra. ;-)

Old me meet new me

Today while skating my laps around we were asked for the faster skaters to move outside and the slower skaters on the inside. Now, I have always been used to being on the inside so I just started skating, not even realizing what I was doing until I started shouting out my laps. I realized that I was for the most part keeping up with some of the girls that were experienced skaters and then it hit me I sort of have a little bit of experience! So after a bit I decided to go out and do our 5 laps with the girls that were going faster and I was so proud of myself when I ended at about the same time as others.

Then it hit me.

If old me that could barely stand on her two skates saw new me who is skating and getting things accomplished she would be so jealous. Old me would just be wondering how it is possible to do that and cursing herself for not being able to do it.

Not to say that I am perfect now actually I have a lot of work to do. I need to remember the little things, practice my grapevines and not freak out so much when people are watching me. I got compliments on my crossovers, my jumpin and even a tumblr post. I doubt that they realize how much it means to me but it means so much.

One of the girls said today that when she really wants something she says it outloud and sets it in the universe. So I'm doing it too. By the end of this recruitment I will be a better athlete, will have my derby stance down and will be a force to be reckoned with on wheels.

On other news... I have found a weird fascination with men derby so I"m just going to put this here

Why are we doing this again? Because we're awesome!

Something that I learned in my past recruitment is that falling is so easy, but getting up is harder. It is easy to just give up and say fuck it I'm done I am not meant to this but it is so much harder to suck it up and push yourself harder.

It is even harder if you did it once, failed, and now you are just standing there awkwardly with all the new girls that haven't done this before and the old veterans that are like: "Oh you're back!". I have stated in the past that I'm obnoxiously paranoid. I don't think about someone helping me as them being nice I just always feel like they are obligated to. Imagine my surprise when I felt that the girls were sincerely happy to see me. Even more so with the girls I went through recruitment last time. Even one of them that I admire due to her skating skills came up and talk to me to say how excited and nervous she was for me and my roomie.

Mind you I was nervous as hell when we started skating. I seem to not be able to do crossover any more (WTF feet? I thought we had this. It seems like we keep getting it and you chicken out... I am disappointed in you.) and I wasn't as fast as I feel I should be but at least I didn't fall and managed to drag some of the other girls with me.

It seems that some stuff stuck with me, even though I need new pads. I could feel the vibrations hit my knees. I also need to work on stoping and just being more comfortable with myself. I think that all of my insecurities just tend to flourish when I'm under stress and that was the reason for what happened last time. Plus not to mention a whole lot of personal stuff going on but... yeah.

It's easy to give up and say I am not doing derby. However, I am choosing to get up within 3 seconds and skate to try and knock someone out.

I get the weirdest marks from my gear. This one is from my helmet. Can it count as a derby bruise?

Recruitment Part 2: This time it's personal

So guess what? This blog is active again because!!!!

Recruitment is back in session! Let's get this stuff down! Now with more water, more falls, more bruising, and less whining. 

The last part might not be true but you know I'll do my best to avoid whining.... until I fall and cry.