I have been avoiding updating due to being tired of posting very sad posts. However, I decided that since this deals with part of my struggles in becoming derby girl that I should post about it. Mind you this isn't about self pity or about trying to get attention but this blog has been the one I have most recently been keeping up to date so I might as well just talk about this.
I have dealt with depression since middle school due to things I rather not get into detail about. For this past year I have been seen a psychologist that has helped me with it. I have not informed him that it gets worst at certain times and I have never been able to pin point exactly when it happens. All I know is that there's just some time where I can't even roll out of bed. Usually it affects my school work, I avoid going to school because I'm finding it hard to get out of bed. Then I have missed class for so long that I don't see a point in going back.
It seems that right now it's affecting something I've been aiming for. I don't low I just feel like I keep getting in the way of people. The past few weeks the change of schedule in our practices have messed up with my class schedule and my work schedule big time. Plus add to that the fact I'm in midterms, and I can't even breath due to the fact that i'm freaking out about accomplishing my school goals, my relationships goals, and trying to get into derby that i just feel like screaming and just crawling into a hole and die.
I think the breaking point was Tomahawk Stops, it seems that everything has just unraveled since then and I just can't find the courage or the energy to push myself back up. Today I'm missing practice due to my work requesting something I have to hand in tomorrow. Instead of working on that I find myself just crying and sobbering to myself wondering why I even decided this was a good idea and how much I wish I could just strap on skates and do everything.
Not to mention that my checks get mailed and I'm missing one check and I haven't paid dues and I am just wondering if I am really meant to do this. I don't know if I'm meant to skate, I don't know anymore if I'm even meant to be doing this.
I just don't know if I can anymore.
