A couple of days ago I posted this as a Facebook status. Honestly is easier said than done. It is very hard to correct a destructive behavior that you have been dealing with for most of your life. It is so easy to go back to beating yourself up and just completely ignoring the fact that you are not as awful as you somehow made yourself believe.
I haven't updated in a while and mainly due to the fact that it has been rough. There was a week when I just didn't want to deal with anything and I felt really sick. I missed my testing and it's just ugh. The other girls have gotten so much better and I can't even begin to even string my thoughts together to decide whether or not I have done a lot of progress. I think it is mainly due to the fact this is my second recruitment. I mean, it makes things harder on me and it makes me be so self conscious. I feel that when I see how far the other girls have gone compared to how I am doing is just bad. I still get exhausted when we're doing laps, I still can't do most of my falls properly and I still feel like a giant dork every time that I skate.
My roommate took a video of me skating.
After looking at that video I can see what I am doing wrong, and I have been trying to correct it but honestly is so many things I have to keep track of it. I think I am doing better but there was a big moment that almost knocked me completely out. I fell....
Now if you read this blog you are aware that I fall a lot. However this time I was practicing crossovers with one of the psycho sisters and somehow I fell in such a way that my shoulder landed straight up in the ground. At first I decided I could stand up and shake it off. A sharp pain shot through my shoulder and I started laughing because I couldn't believe what had just happened. I don't remember anything at all of what happened next just getting a bag of ice and a bunch of people talking to me. Honestly I just remember it being the next day and me seating at the doctors. I got some x-rays done and the doctor then informed me that I had a bone bruise. She said it could be about as painful as a fracture and that it is the step right before a fracture. She told me I could still skate but to be careful.
I hardly was able to function properly during that practice.
It took me a couple of days but finally at last practice I felt myself coming back again. I think it was the fact that my roommate was able to get back on skates and she had a very tough conversation with me in which I saw that other people are also insecure about how they skate and to her I have gotten better. I still do not see it, and even when the coach asked me who was that girl that she just saw doing some of the exercises I still can not see myself actually improving. However, I trust other people's judgement about it a lot more since they have not always tried to sabotage me unlike myself.
With that being said I am so proud of Heather. After being off skates for a month she was skating so much better on the last practice that I have ever seen there. The other Lunachics have gotten so much better too and I am so impressed that most of them are still in. I am even so impressed with Ashley who didn't give up on backwards skating, and I am so proud of who I was paired up with who didn't hate me after I completely landed on her due to my own clumsiness. I wanted to kick myself so hard due to me making someone else fall over.
See what I told you? This whole process of not hating myself is a very hard one but I think I am making some progress.
