I have been avoiding updating due to being tired of posting very sad posts. However, I decided that since this deals with part of my struggles in becoming derby girl that I should post about it. Mind you this isn't about self pity or about trying to get attention but this blog has been the one I have most recently been keeping up to date so I might as well just talk about this.
I have dealt with depression since middle school due to things I rather not get into detail about. For this past year I have been seen a psychologist that has helped me with it. I have not informed him that it gets worst at certain times and I have never been able to pin point exactly when it happens. All I know is that there's just some time where I can't even roll out of bed. Usually it affects my school work, I avoid going to school because I'm finding it hard to get out of bed. Then I have missed class for so long that I don't see a point in going back.
It seems that right now it's affecting something I've been aiming for. I don't low I just feel like I keep getting in the way of people. The past few weeks the change of schedule in our practices have messed up with my class schedule and my work schedule big time. Plus add to that the fact I'm in midterms, and I can't even breath due to the fact that i'm freaking out about accomplishing my school goals, my relationships goals, and trying to get into derby that i just feel like screaming and just crawling into a hole and die.
I think the breaking point was Tomahawk Stops, it seems that everything has just unraveled since then and I just can't find the courage or the energy to push myself back up. Today I'm missing practice due to my work requesting something I have to hand in tomorrow. Instead of working on that I find myself just crying and sobbering to myself wondering why I even decided this was a good idea and how much I wish I could just strap on skates and do everything.
Not to mention that my checks get mailed and I'm missing one check and I haven't paid dues and I am just wondering if I am really meant to do this. I don't know if I'm meant to skate, I don't know anymore if I'm even meant to be doing this.
I just don't know if I can anymore.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Little me
My biological father has always been into sports. My memories of him always involve him with a basketball, playing, or doing some sort of sport. He was so good that he even was a professional basketball player and that was his main source of income for the longest time. He once even competed in some sort of Interamerican game or something like that my memory is fuzzy and the main thing I remember was that the mascot was a seal and he brought me a plush version of it. My point is that if you look at my father you would expect me to be a bit athletic. If you talk to me, I am the opposite of an athletic person. I am nerdy, I wear glasses, I have no eye and feet coordination, and I'm extremely clumsy. As such, most of my time as a teenager I had drifted more into performing arts than sports. However, when I was younger I tried a couple of times to play sports. Volleyball left much to be desired, but the hardest thing was getting told I could not play basketball.
I am tall, obnoxiously tall. When I was younger the most usual question I would get asked was if I played any sports. This got really annoying, really fast for an eleven to early teen who is just trying to figure out where she could fit in. Add to that the fact that my father was a basketball player and the awkwardness never ended. I wanted to try a sport, more importantly I wanted to play basketball. I wanted to have something that I could connect with my father. I wanted him to come to my games and cheer for me!
My PE class at school was awful. I wanted to try and play basketball but usually the boys were the ones playing and they didn't want to play with me while the girls just usually sat in a corner talking or pretending to exercise. I shouldn't blame the guys for this one too much though because peer pressure made me not ask to play as much as I should have probably asked. On the other hand every time I tried my PE instructor told me to just play with the girls (Meaning just hang out with the girls in a corner) even though our school had a female team so... yeah.
I remember vividly that they had these little things at school called basketball seminars or something like that. It consisted of bringing kids that wanted to play basketball (the only properly handled sport in my school asides from cheerleading) and just have them practice and learn the basics of the game. It wasn't something made so the kids would be part of the team at all it was just something for them to do as an extracurricular activity for a couple of weeks. I had decided I wanted to do it. I talked my parents into taking me to them and picking me up which due to the fact we lived far away from the school was a feature on itself so needles to say I was excited.
It wasn't so bad in the beginning, and I don't remember exactly what I did wrong at all. I remember practicing, and being able to kinda put some hoops in. I was the only girl in the group and the guys would still not want to play with me. Well some of them did, since I was good friends with some of them but they also quickly succumbed to peer pressure and stopped playing with me.
I must have done something very bad, or didn't seem to be catching up as much as they wanted me too because they had me doing things like walking on the lines to try and improve my balance and kept telling me I was doing it wrong. Mind you I was around 11 to 12 years old, telling a kid to do exercises like these and not explaining it to her while the other kids are playing basketball made me feel like such a freak and idiot. I even remember once the coach actually telling me that I wasn't ever going to be able to play basketball because I had no balance and I was too clumsy. She said that I couldn't coordinate myself well enough to play and that I was just making the guys look bad and not want to play. Mind you I knew these boys and they were always asking her and myself why I wasn't playing with them. Slowly I realized that it might have been that some of the boys didn't want to play with me but that the coach just didn't want me playing with them.
I told my mom and dad that I didn't want to play anymore. After that I wasn't able to get into any other sports. I did cheerleading for a little while but I didn't really want to do it that much. I really just wanted to play basketball but after that whole experience and how horrible cheerleading girls and the whole atmosphere can be I decided not to do any more sports.
At some point I wanted rollerblades, I don't even know why I wanted rollerblades. I don't know if it was a movie I watched, or a cartoon, or just saw someone rollerblading but I wanted them. I saved up all my allowances to buy this kit that I saw at a sports place. It included a rollerblade bag, knee pads, wrist guards, and skates. I put those things on and started rollerblading in my house. I'm from Puerto Rico, so there weren't many parks at all so rollerblading was confined to my house and in the front street.
I was obsessed, but I never really got the hang of rollerblading. I mainly spend most of my time waving my arms in the air, falling, and just looking like an idiot. I remember watching rollerblading movies on tv so I could find out how to skate. Every time that we got a chance to go to a park I would bring my rollerblades. One day we were at a park and I was allowed to skate around. I have to point out that in Puerto Rico there's not really any well kept park (at least when I lived there) so by skating in a park I mean skating in pure concrete. Cars will also drive in the same place we were allowed to skate so there were potholes and a whole bunch of other horrible stuff in it. This particular day I was trying to go over a speed bump...it didn't work out well.
I felt like I was going to fall so I desperately tried to maintain my balance and went around in a circle I tried to fall back on my butt (I didn't know what I do now I was only around thirteen) but somehow managed to go around again and fell. My forehead was the first thing that came in contact with the ground. I wasn't wearing a helmet. I felt a bump forming on my forehead and a headache starting. I got up and skated back to my father who laughed at me and asked if I was ok. He called me cyclops for weeks to come and so did the rest of my family. I laughed too because it was pretty darn funny.
Eventually, my roller blades fell in disuse. I guess after that fall I didn't think I was actually meant for skating. I then went into theater performing, computer, video games, and just became the complete opposite of what an athletic person is. I was just so convinced that I would never be able to play sports that I gave up the idea of it or of being any type of active person. The closest I ever came to being active was having a job at Disneyworld in which I was close friends with the characters.
I once read in a derby blog to imagine your little young self watching you on the floor and how cool and awesome she thought you were. If old me had the chance to go back in time and tell little awkward thirteen year old me that one day I would be able to put on skates, and would join a sport were people are supportive and don't give up on you I am sure she would have scoffed.
I am tall, obnoxiously tall. When I was younger the most usual question I would get asked was if I played any sports. This got really annoying, really fast for an eleven to early teen who is just trying to figure out where she could fit in. Add to that the fact that my father was a basketball player and the awkwardness never ended. I wanted to try a sport, more importantly I wanted to play basketball. I wanted to have something that I could connect with my father. I wanted him to come to my games and cheer for me!
My PE class at school was awful. I wanted to try and play basketball but usually the boys were the ones playing and they didn't want to play with me while the girls just usually sat in a corner talking or pretending to exercise. I shouldn't blame the guys for this one too much though because peer pressure made me not ask to play as much as I should have probably asked. On the other hand every time I tried my PE instructor told me to just play with the girls (Meaning just hang out with the girls in a corner) even though our school had a female team so... yeah.
I remember vividly that they had these little things at school called basketball seminars or something like that. It consisted of bringing kids that wanted to play basketball (the only properly handled sport in my school asides from cheerleading) and just have them practice and learn the basics of the game. It wasn't something made so the kids would be part of the team at all it was just something for them to do as an extracurricular activity for a couple of weeks. I had decided I wanted to do it. I talked my parents into taking me to them and picking me up which due to the fact we lived far away from the school was a feature on itself so needles to say I was excited.
It wasn't so bad in the beginning, and I don't remember exactly what I did wrong at all. I remember practicing, and being able to kinda put some hoops in. I was the only girl in the group and the guys would still not want to play with me. Well some of them did, since I was good friends with some of them but they also quickly succumbed to peer pressure and stopped playing with me.
I must have done something very bad, or didn't seem to be catching up as much as they wanted me too because they had me doing things like walking on the lines to try and improve my balance and kept telling me I was doing it wrong. Mind you I was around 11 to 12 years old, telling a kid to do exercises like these and not explaining it to her while the other kids are playing basketball made me feel like such a freak and idiot. I even remember once the coach actually telling me that I wasn't ever going to be able to play basketball because I had no balance and I was too clumsy. She said that I couldn't coordinate myself well enough to play and that I was just making the guys look bad and not want to play. Mind you I knew these boys and they were always asking her and myself why I wasn't playing with them. Slowly I realized that it might have been that some of the boys didn't want to play with me but that the coach just didn't want me playing with them.
I told my mom and dad that I didn't want to play anymore. After that I wasn't able to get into any other sports. I did cheerleading for a little while but I didn't really want to do it that much. I really just wanted to play basketball but after that whole experience and how horrible cheerleading girls and the whole atmosphere can be I decided not to do any more sports.
At some point I wanted rollerblades, I don't even know why I wanted rollerblades. I don't know if it was a movie I watched, or a cartoon, or just saw someone rollerblading but I wanted them. I saved up all my allowances to buy this kit that I saw at a sports place. It included a rollerblade bag, knee pads, wrist guards, and skates. I put those things on and started rollerblading in my house. I'm from Puerto Rico, so there weren't many parks at all so rollerblading was confined to my house and in the front street.
I was obsessed, but I never really got the hang of rollerblading. I mainly spend most of my time waving my arms in the air, falling, and just looking like an idiot. I remember watching rollerblading movies on tv so I could find out how to skate. Every time that we got a chance to go to a park I would bring my rollerblades. One day we were at a park and I was allowed to skate around. I have to point out that in Puerto Rico there's not really any well kept park (at least when I lived there) so by skating in a park I mean skating in pure concrete. Cars will also drive in the same place we were allowed to skate so there were potholes and a whole bunch of other horrible stuff in it. This particular day I was trying to go over a speed bump...it didn't work out well.
I felt like I was going to fall so I desperately tried to maintain my balance and went around in a circle I tried to fall back on my butt (I didn't know what I do now I was only around thirteen) but somehow managed to go around again and fell. My forehead was the first thing that came in contact with the ground. I wasn't wearing a helmet. I felt a bump forming on my forehead and a headache starting. I got up and skated back to my father who laughed at me and asked if I was ok. He called me cyclops for weeks to come and so did the rest of my family. I laughed too because it was pretty darn funny.
Eventually, my roller blades fell in disuse. I guess after that fall I didn't think I was actually meant for skating. I then went into theater performing, computer, video games, and just became the complete opposite of what an athletic person is. I was just so convinced that I would never be able to play sports that I gave up the idea of it or of being any type of active person. The closest I ever came to being active was having a job at Disneyworld in which I was close friends with the characters.
I once read in a derby blog to imagine your little young self watching you on the floor and how cool and awesome she thought you were. If old me had the chance to go back in time and tell little awkward thirteen year old me that one day I would be able to put on skates, and would join a sport were people are supportive and don't give up on you I am sure she would have scoffed.
Then I would look at her and say: No really... you're going to be all right.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
I'm abusive.
I am a bad blogger. I knew that going into this but hey... at least I'm updating.
First off I was supposed to post about this a while back. My awesome friend Shae is also doing roller derby and got me this adorable sticker for my helmet. Is the first sticker I ever had and it says Freshmeat. I've decided that when I get to take it off I will hold a party on its honor:
First off I was supposed to post about this a while back. My awesome friend Shae is also doing roller derby and got me this adorable sticker for my helmet. Is the first sticker I ever had and it says Freshmeat. I've decided that when I get to take it off I will hold a party on its honor:
Ha, ha I am so girly with my pink helmet and purple...stuff
Why will I make party in its honor? Because I have a long way to go, but more on that later. I have to write about how much of an abusive person I am. I seem to have a habit of biting and abusing my gear. At first I didn't want to show any empathy for my gear because...it's gear its supposed to do that but now I kind of feel bad. First off lets start with my mouthguard...my poor mouthguard seems to be holding on with everything it can, but it doesn't think it'll make it through.
You can't see it so well in these pictures but the left side of my mouthguard is torn in half. Yes, I am planning on getting a new one soon.
I have no idea how I managed to destroy my mouthguard but the most shocking things that I seem to have abused are my skates. Don't get me wrong, I was expecting them to have scrapes, and be as badly bruised as I was but after less than two months of skating ....
The boots seem to be coming off! I have never let them in my car during extreme heats or anything like that so I am baffled as to why they seem to be so worn down after a considerable short period of time. Plus adding to the fact that I suck skating they are probably not getting as much tear as some of the other girls. It's strange, I wonder if my height has anything to do with it. The worst part is how I noticed them.
In the time that I haven't been updating some of the recruits that are actually acceptable have been able to scrimmage, and do other fun stuff. I have just been cheerleader and memorizing the roles of the positions, but I assure you if I ever get to scrimmage I will promptly forget everything. Anyways, last Thursday was our final test which I didn't past but I was expecting that. However, the best part was doing 5 laps in 1 minute.
I was battling a cold, and pushing myself hard and at the beginning of my second lap something felt weird...odd. I thought my laces were just not tied properly and ignored it, but at one point it felt like my right skate was about to fold completely under me. Ignoring it, I continued to push myself forward and managed a time of 1minute and 17 seconds.
I'm kind of angry at myself because perhaps if I wasn't sick I would have been able to make it, but on the other hand two months ago I would have never imagined that I was going to be able to do that much. So, I just have to keep practicing and pushing myself and I'll be able to master them!
Speaking of practice on Sunday was when I actually inspected my skates and noticed the glue coming undone so I think that might be the reason why my right skate was so unstable, which sucks but hey...gives me an excuse to save up for skates!
See those awesome girls in that video? I train with them and one day in the future I will be joining them and be as awesome as they are! Now I just have to keep focusing and pushing myself! Because two months ago I would have scoffed at the idea of being able to do anything in skates and now I can actually... stand on them? Not very impressive but... I'll get there!
The reason why I am so motivated? Mainly because I went to a derby game on Saturday and saw two tall girls playing that became my heroes...their blocking was amazing and plus seeing all the scrimmaging going on during practice makes me want to push harder! I can do this! I know I can and even more important I WANT TO DO THIS!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Blocking, knees, backward skating and fingers.
We have started blocking in recruitment now and I have noticed something. Some of the girls...actually get as low as they can to the ground when is my turn to block them. You know what that means? They are scared of me. They are aware that once I master skating I shall be a mighty blocker that will just make them tumble to the ground!
Either that or they don't want me to accidentally loose my balance and fall on top of them. It's all very possible. For my sake I'm going to with the mighty blocker reference. Specially with what I did to my roommate/friend.
For the most part I think I'll be ok at blocking is just a matter of skating and doing it at the same time. I mean that's the big issue with me I think that I just need more confidence in my skates and then I'll be ok. I bitch and whine a lot, saying I don't want to do this anymore but there are times when I feel down on myself during practice and there are other times when I feel fantastic. I think is all in my head, just like how I psych myself out when I backwards skate.
I have no idea how or why I can do it but I'm all right at backward skating. This isn't to say that I'm fantastic at it, but I could be doing a lot worst. However, it is the fact that I'm not doing awful at it that psyches me out. While I'm skating I think OMG I must be doing something wrong because it seems that I am moving and going slightly faster. Then I just think too much and slow down even though three seconds ago I was going faster. I swear I am insane.
Today we did a very scary thing. We have been working on being a pack for a little while and one of the exercises was just skating and plow stopping. At some point I ended up on top of another girl on the floor (probably messed up my sticky skating) and her wheel seems to have hit my finger. How the hell do I injure my finger and it doesn't involved getting it run over? I have no clue but this is my luck
We then pretended to be jammers which just reminded me jamming scares the hell out of me. However I feel like I did an acceptable job. There was a time when they were skating and we had to push through a group of blockers (they were just standing not really blocking) and then they were standing still but we had to step on skates. I was hoping that by going to the group of blockers I wouldn't have to deal but yeah didn't quite work. I feel like I'm at least getting faster even if I die in the process.
Oh that reminds me, we practiced whips and some other sort of blocking. I was paired with one of the psycho sister that I affectionately call The Wall because honestly she is a solid wall. She was very helpful and patient. During the other drills all of the sisters were so helpful. One of them tried pushing me and even dragging me behind her when I couldn't keep up. Once again this women in this League are amazing and I am so lucky that they seem to not have given up on me. Hell, I think that even one of the referees believe in me because he's always pushing me to do better. These ladies are amazing and I would have probably given up on myself if it weren't for them and my roommate. The way they cheer and compliment me even though I am horrific gives me hope. Even if I feel like dying most of the time.
We did burpees today... I think I should end that sentence right there, but I have to get this out of my chest. WHO THE HELL INVENTED BURPEES? What type of masochistic person decided you know push ups aren't bad enough we should make them jump and then go to the ground and then just ha ha we'll make them do insane things before they do a push up. During these I seem to have acquired a bump on my knee.
I whine, complain, bitch and moan but believe me I'll be there next week. Why? Clearly I'm a masochist. Also I think the bruises give me character! As a bonus here is a picture of another bruise from when I tried to block one of the psycho sister. I made her move a bit but I ended up on the floor.
Either that or they don't want me to accidentally loose my balance and fall on top of them. It's all very possible. For my sake I'm going to with the mighty blocker reference. Specially with what I did to my roommate/friend.
These bruises and the ones made by other psycho sisters made her job tell her that she couldn't wear short sleeved shirts to work.
For the most part I think I'll be ok at blocking is just a matter of skating and doing it at the same time. I mean that's the big issue with me I think that I just need more confidence in my skates and then I'll be ok. I bitch and whine a lot, saying I don't want to do this anymore but there are times when I feel down on myself during practice and there are other times when I feel fantastic. I think is all in my head, just like how I psych myself out when I backwards skate.
I have no idea how or why I can do it but I'm all right at backward skating. This isn't to say that I'm fantastic at it, but I could be doing a lot worst. However, it is the fact that I'm not doing awful at it that psyches me out. While I'm skating I think OMG I must be doing something wrong because it seems that I am moving and going slightly faster. Then I just think too much and slow down even though three seconds ago I was going faster. I swear I am insane.
Today we did a very scary thing. We have been working on being a pack for a little while and one of the exercises was just skating and plow stopping. At some point I ended up on top of another girl on the floor (probably messed up my sticky skating) and her wheel seems to have hit my finger. How the hell do I injure my finger and it doesn't involved getting it run over? I have no clue but this is my luck
Yeah it doesn't look like much but it looked swollen and I couldn't move it... I'm a pansy ok?
We then pretended to be jammers which just reminded me jamming scares the hell out of me. However I feel like I did an acceptable job. There was a time when they were skating and we had to push through a group of blockers (they were just standing not really blocking) and then they were standing still but we had to step on skates. I was hoping that by going to the group of blockers I wouldn't have to deal but yeah didn't quite work. I feel like I'm at least getting faster even if I die in the process.
Oh that reminds me, we practiced whips and some other sort of blocking. I was paired with one of the psycho sister that I affectionately call The Wall because honestly she is a solid wall. She was very helpful and patient. During the other drills all of the sisters were so helpful. One of them tried pushing me and even dragging me behind her when I couldn't keep up. Once again this women in this League are amazing and I am so lucky that they seem to not have given up on me. Hell, I think that even one of the referees believe in me because he's always pushing me to do better. These ladies are amazing and I would have probably given up on myself if it weren't for them and my roommate. The way they cheer and compliment me even though I am horrific gives me hope. Even if I feel like dying most of the time.
We did burpees today... I think I should end that sentence right there, but I have to get this out of my chest. WHO THE HELL INVENTED BURPEES? What type of masochistic person decided you know push ups aren't bad enough we should make them jump and then go to the ground and then just ha ha we'll make them do insane things before they do a push up. During these I seem to have acquired a bump on my knee.
I should be used to getting hurt on my knees but this one hurt.
I whine, complain, bitch and moan but believe me I'll be there next week. Why? Clearly I'm a masochist. Also I think the bruises give me character! As a bonus here is a picture of another bruise from when I tried to block one of the psycho sister. I made her move a bit but I ended up on the floor.
I've never taken these many pics of random parts of my body... Maybe if you piece them all together you can get an idea of what I look like. Add the flailing arms to that image and I promise you it will never be enough!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Skating it out
Note to readers: This was supposed to be posted a long time ago. I'm sorry that I have failed in keeping up with blogging. This post will be composed of the Thursday before last, and Sunday before last. There will probably be another post tomorrow regarding last Thursday and today
I have been lacking on my updates. Originally I wanted to try and post after every practice but this past week some personal drama has come around and has left me not wanting to write much.
Thursday before the last (or something like that the dates are all jumbled in my head right now) We had our first exam. Honestly, I didn't think that I was horrible until we started testing. I don't know if it was the nerves since everybody watched me but I just couldn't get anything down right. The most terrifying and horrible part was when we were doing jumps.
I am sure the girls, coach and everybody else thinks that I can't do jumps. If I was them I wouldn't believe me too. I have to get my friends that have practice with me on our own time to vouch for me so I don't look like a liar and they will say that I can do jumps amazingly while we are doing it on our own. I can do double jumps I don't need to do the step jump I can just bring both of my legs up and get a lot of air. I have no idea how I'm capable of doing these but I can. However, put me in front of a crowd at practice or make myself aware that I'm being watched and I'll fall over. I can't even do the jump steps during practice.
It was time for testing and I was feeling confident in at least my jumping and I was concentrating and thinking I will show them once and for all that I can do these jumps. I did my weaving and then sped up to try and do the jumping section of the test. I felt so confident going up to those noodles that I just kept thinking I can do this! It's all mental I know I can do this. When it came time for jumping I jumped but somehow slipped and I fell backwards very hard.
It was mainly scary, I couldn't even stand up for a moment it hurt so bad. I felt tears in my eyes due to pain, humiliation, and also frustration. I was scared that I had broken something. I was humiliated that I had failed so hard in front of everybody. I was frustrated that I couldn't do what I had done hundreds of time in private. I was frustrated that I was crying and that everybody was probably wondering what was wrong with me and what an idiot I was. I heard a distant voice ask me if I was ok. I shook my head from side to side to signal a no but then I pushed myself up and heard the question again. There was so much pain running through my body. I wanted to just give up, to just skate pass the noodles and not even attempt to jump them. I don't know how I was able to at least attempt to step jump them and I was able to do it without injuring myself too much. I felt like such a failure at that point that it was a miracle I even managed to talk to anybody after that. We didn't even finish our testing that day and I was so beat and disillusioned that right off the bat I didn't even think I wanted to go to Sunday's practice.
Sunday started awful. I had a rather emotional moving situation in which I had to pack my stuff and move them from one place into storage. We got done and got some lunch and had about an hour and a half before practice. I was feeling awful, just dragging on and wanted to just call out of it. This kept going back and forth between my roommate and I who kept trying to convince the other to either go or not go to practice. Somehow we pushed through and decided to go.
There were still some parts of the testing we had to do. I felt like vomiting through most of them, however I didn't do as bad as I thought. I can't do one foot glides yet, but I did a lot better than usual when we did the pace lines. We did pace lines and then we had to break from pack and catch up to it again. The first time I tried to do them I couldn't keep up at all with anyone, but this could also be that the other girls are also improving and pacing themselves to match all the skaters in the group.
Even though that sounds incredibly optimistic there were parts of practice were I felt like vomiting. We did this exercise were we got into a pack and were assigned numbers. When the numbers were called the girls with that number had to do double knee falls. No one knew anybody else's number. There were points were I have no idea how I didn't run somebody over, and we did it for a rather long time in which I was certain I was going to pass out.
It was hard to push through and there were times were I just wanted to go home, however my roommate kept telling me to just push through and at the end of practice there was an opportunity to keep skating or go home. Somehow we managed to keep skating and we got to practice with the Psycho Girls which was amazing. I am so touched with how encouraging all of them are, and how sweet they are. Honestly if it weren't for most of there words of encouragement I would just have thrown the towel long time ago.
Oh! I almost forgot! The coach told my roommate and I something funny. We were paired to practice blocking and she tells us "Understand that if I can make you guys into blockers even I will skate away from you guys". Which pretty much means that she has faith that we can become amazing blockers, and the rest of the Psycho Sisters believe the same thing so... I can't let them down. As frustrating as it is I have to keep pushing myself hard, even if I think I'm getting nowhere.
Remember how I said I didn't get a bruise on last post? I lied. I have a bruise from doing crossovers were I think part of my leg landed on my wheel.
I have been lacking on my updates. Originally I wanted to try and post after every practice but this past week some personal drama has come around and has left me not wanting to write much.
Thursday before the last (or something like that the dates are all jumbled in my head right now) We had our first exam. Honestly, I didn't think that I was horrible until we started testing. I don't know if it was the nerves since everybody watched me but I just couldn't get anything down right. The most terrifying and horrible part was when we were doing jumps.
I am sure the girls, coach and everybody else thinks that I can't do jumps. If I was them I wouldn't believe me too. I have to get my friends that have practice with me on our own time to vouch for me so I don't look like a liar and they will say that I can do jumps amazingly while we are doing it on our own. I can do double jumps I don't need to do the step jump I can just bring both of my legs up and get a lot of air. I have no idea how I'm capable of doing these but I can. However, put me in front of a crowd at practice or make myself aware that I'm being watched and I'll fall over. I can't even do the jump steps during practice.
It was time for testing and I was feeling confident in at least my jumping and I was concentrating and thinking I will show them once and for all that I can do these jumps. I did my weaving and then sped up to try and do the jumping section of the test. I felt so confident going up to those noodles that I just kept thinking I can do this! It's all mental I know I can do this. When it came time for jumping I jumped but somehow slipped and I fell backwards very hard.
It was mainly scary, I couldn't even stand up for a moment it hurt so bad. I felt tears in my eyes due to pain, humiliation, and also frustration. I was scared that I had broken something. I was humiliated that I had failed so hard in front of everybody. I was frustrated that I couldn't do what I had done hundreds of time in private. I was frustrated that I was crying and that everybody was probably wondering what was wrong with me and what an idiot I was. I heard a distant voice ask me if I was ok. I shook my head from side to side to signal a no but then I pushed myself up and heard the question again. There was so much pain running through my body. I wanted to just give up, to just skate pass the noodles and not even attempt to jump them. I don't know how I was able to at least attempt to step jump them and I was able to do it without injuring myself too much. I felt like such a failure at that point that it was a miracle I even managed to talk to anybody after that. We didn't even finish our testing that day and I was so beat and disillusioned that right off the bat I didn't even think I wanted to go to Sunday's practice.
Sunday started awful. I had a rather emotional moving situation in which I had to pack my stuff and move them from one place into storage. We got done and got some lunch and had about an hour and a half before practice. I was feeling awful, just dragging on and wanted to just call out of it. This kept going back and forth between my roommate and I who kept trying to convince the other to either go or not go to practice. Somehow we pushed through and decided to go.
There were still some parts of the testing we had to do. I felt like vomiting through most of them, however I didn't do as bad as I thought. I can't do one foot glides yet, but I did a lot better than usual when we did the pace lines. We did pace lines and then we had to break from pack and catch up to it again. The first time I tried to do them I couldn't keep up at all with anyone, but this could also be that the other girls are also improving and pacing themselves to match all the skaters in the group.
Even though that sounds incredibly optimistic there were parts of practice were I felt like vomiting. We did this exercise were we got into a pack and were assigned numbers. When the numbers were called the girls with that number had to do double knee falls. No one knew anybody else's number. There were points were I have no idea how I didn't run somebody over, and we did it for a rather long time in which I was certain I was going to pass out.
It was hard to push through and there were times were I just wanted to go home, however my roommate kept telling me to just push through and at the end of practice there was an opportunity to keep skating or go home. Somehow we managed to keep skating and we got to practice with the Psycho Girls which was amazing. I am so touched with how encouraging all of them are, and how sweet they are. Honestly if it weren't for most of there words of encouragement I would just have thrown the towel long time ago.
Oh! I almost forgot! The coach told my roommate and I something funny. We were paired to practice blocking and she tells us "Understand that if I can make you guys into blockers even I will skate away from you guys". Which pretty much means that she has faith that we can become amazing blockers, and the rest of the Psycho Sisters believe the same thing so... I can't let them down. As frustrating as it is I have to keep pushing myself hard, even if I think I'm getting nowhere.
Remember how I said I didn't get a bruise on last post? I lied. I have a bruise from doing crossovers were I think part of my leg landed on my wheel.
Boyfriend's comment: "That's gross." I took it as a compliment :).
Thursday, July 21, 2011
For once not a depressing post.
Practice was today! Honestly today I was kind of sad and thinking about how much of a failure I was going to look like again. Also, I have been fighting a cold since yesterday so me being unable to breathe properly wasn't helping the situation.
My friend, another skater, and me (I have been obsessing over this sentence a lot sorry if it's badly written but my brain is kind of tired and I always had problem with I and me use) were pulled aside to get some one on one attention with some of the league sisters. A part of me felt bad, but then I told myself you know this is what I need. I need help, and they are willing to offer it to me. I have a hard time accepting some times that they are nice people that want to help and don't have any other interest other than wanting to help.
The one on one attention is awesome, and they were able to point out the things I was doing wrong which helped a lot in improving myself. I was able to properly do a superman fall because I realized that my belly was supposed to touch the floor completely. Some stuff is still messy but I think I overall did better mainly because I came to accept something that my friend Heather has pointed out to me.
Today was around my 5th time on these type of skates, and it was my 3rd time on my own pair. It's a miracle that I can even stand on it let alone do some of the stuff I am doing. Mind you, this by no means I am allowing myself to slack off. I want to be able to catch up to the other recruitment girls as hard as that seems and as unlikely as it is. However, I need to see how much better am doing than when I put on the rental skates that first night of training. This is extremely hard to do specially with how amazing some of the skaters are, but hey they probably have been on skates more than 5 times and if they haven't then... they probably don't trip on their own feet while going down the stairs.
One of the things I was most proud of today was the fact that I was able to do crossovers. Let me point out how I felt the first time I tried to do crossovers. When I tried to put my foot in front of the other my whole body seemed to scream out at me saying "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOUR FEET ARE HUGE AND YOU HAVE THEM ON SKATES WE ARE GOING TO DIE!". I know this sounds like I'm exaggerating but honestly my body tends to talk to me a lot when I'm trying something new ... it tends to scream and shout when I'm trying to do something new while I'm on skates.
The Psycho Sisters were able to show me step by step how to do crossovers and I wasn't sure how to do them and I can't pinpoint the moment when I actually started to just do them as I was getting to turns but when I realized how fast I was going I started laughing, when I realized I was actually doing crossovers I started yelling and feeling so incredibly happy and proud of myself that I didn't know how to deal with it.
I know it sounds strange since I haven't mentioned almost dying yet and I assure I did almost die or felt like I was going to at some points. There was this one moment where something happened (which was probably me not bending my knees) and I fell completely on my side in such a way that my thigh collided with my groin area and I had swore I had broken the anatomical part of my body that makes me a female. However, I stood up and didn't freak out and just kept going and hell yeah I tried crossovers at my next turn.
Also, you know what? I have no idea what the hell I was doing before hand to do turns? I have no fuckin clue what I was doing but it was horrible. Turns are so much better with crossovers! Beforehand I swear my freaking foot that was on the outside felt like that cart at walmart that you accidentally pick that has the bad wheel! Odd thing is though, I can't think about doing crossovers too much while I'm doing it or that I'm going faster... because I freak out and mess up.
Finally after our special class we were able to join the rest of recruitment. They started playing music and we were able to dance a bit. We tried doing the electric slide but I have no idea how to do that. Mainly, because I'm Puerto Rican and had no idea what the electric slide even was before I moved here. We also did that stupid cupid shuffle...that I still have no idea how to do because I'm special but I tried! They also played the chacha slide which was awesome except... you can't really do the Charlie Brown on skates. I am not even entirely sure I know what Charlie Brown is.
After that we also did a game of green light, red light. I had been telling Heather before how great that would be to practice stops! And it was! I was only sent back once! This all reminded me that I have to push myself hard, and that I need to focus on things but most importantly this is also supposed to be fun. I mean, I really want to make it and be one of those cool derby girls but the whole process is also supposed to be fun and amazing especially since I had never put one these type of skates before and because my rollerblading days before hand were a joke since I usually just flailed my arms like an idiot and ate pavement.
... I just realized I didn't post any pictures today well... I referenced tripping over my own feet and falling on the stairs in my apartment. Here's a picture to commemorate that:
My friend, another skater, and me (I have been obsessing over this sentence a lot sorry if it's badly written but my brain is kind of tired and I always had problem with I and me use) were pulled aside to get some one on one attention with some of the league sisters. A part of me felt bad, but then I told myself you know this is what I need. I need help, and they are willing to offer it to me. I have a hard time accepting some times that they are nice people that want to help and don't have any other interest other than wanting to help.
The one on one attention is awesome, and they were able to point out the things I was doing wrong which helped a lot in improving myself. I was able to properly do a superman fall because I realized that my belly was supposed to touch the floor completely. Some stuff is still messy but I think I overall did better mainly because I came to accept something that my friend Heather has pointed out to me.
Today was around my 5th time on these type of skates, and it was my 3rd time on my own pair. It's a miracle that I can even stand on it let alone do some of the stuff I am doing. Mind you, this by no means I am allowing myself to slack off. I want to be able to catch up to the other recruitment girls as hard as that seems and as unlikely as it is. However, I need to see how much better am doing than when I put on the rental skates that first night of training. This is extremely hard to do specially with how amazing some of the skaters are, but hey they probably have been on skates more than 5 times and if they haven't then... they probably don't trip on their own feet while going down the stairs.
One of the things I was most proud of today was the fact that I was able to do crossovers. Let me point out how I felt the first time I tried to do crossovers. When I tried to put my foot in front of the other my whole body seemed to scream out at me saying "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOUR FEET ARE HUGE AND YOU HAVE THEM ON SKATES WE ARE GOING TO DIE!". I know this sounds like I'm exaggerating but honestly my body tends to talk to me a lot when I'm trying something new ... it tends to scream and shout when I'm trying to do something new while I'm on skates.
The Psycho Sisters were able to show me step by step how to do crossovers and I wasn't sure how to do them and I can't pinpoint the moment when I actually started to just do them as I was getting to turns but when I realized how fast I was going I started laughing, when I realized I was actually doing crossovers I started yelling and feeling so incredibly happy and proud of myself that I didn't know how to deal with it.
I know it sounds strange since I haven't mentioned almost dying yet and I assure I did almost die or felt like I was going to at some points. There was this one moment where something happened (which was probably me not bending my knees) and I fell completely on my side in such a way that my thigh collided with my groin area and I had swore I had broken the anatomical part of my body that makes me a female. However, I stood up and didn't freak out and just kept going and hell yeah I tried crossovers at my next turn.
Also, you know what? I have no idea what the hell I was doing before hand to do turns? I have no fuckin clue what I was doing but it was horrible. Turns are so much better with crossovers! Beforehand I swear my freaking foot that was on the outside felt like that cart at walmart that you accidentally pick that has the bad wheel! Odd thing is though, I can't think about doing crossovers too much while I'm doing it or that I'm going faster... because I freak out and mess up.
Finally after our special class we were able to join the rest of recruitment. They started playing music and we were able to dance a bit. We tried doing the electric slide but I have no idea how to do that. Mainly, because I'm Puerto Rican and had no idea what the electric slide even was before I moved here. We also did that stupid cupid shuffle...that I still have no idea how to do because I'm special but I tried! They also played the chacha slide which was awesome except... you can't really do the Charlie Brown on skates. I am not even entirely sure I know what Charlie Brown is.
After that we also did a game of green light, red light. I had been telling Heather before how great that would be to practice stops! And it was! I was only sent back once! This all reminded me that I have to push myself hard, and that I need to focus on things but most importantly this is also supposed to be fun. I mean, I really want to make it and be one of those cool derby girls but the whole process is also supposed to be fun and amazing especially since I had never put one these type of skates before and because my rollerblading days before hand were a joke since I usually just flailed my arms like an idiot and ate pavement.
... I just realized I didn't post any pictures today well... I referenced tripping over my own feet and falling on the stairs in my apartment. Here's a picture to commemorate that:
This isn't even as bad as it originally was...
Sunday, July 17, 2011
My skates hate me
Good news first! I got some extra money I wasn't expecting and was able to purchase some new skates. Skating is so much easier now and I don't get as frustrated, however I believe that my skates hate me. I feel that they are so confident in themselves that they scoff at the idea of a newb like me wearing them. They probably laugh about me behind my back and roll their eyes when I'm wearing them. Yes, my skates definetly hate me.
Yes, you know that we're in for a thrilling post when that's the first thing I start off with. I missed Thursday practice because of a previous engagement. The previous engagement was a date with my boyfriend to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2. It was a job related thing so yeah I would have felt horrible if I had told him that no I was going to go practice.
Today's practice was the first outdoor practice I was able to do stuff in. My friend and I always get to the practice early and we were talking with some of the other recruits. Meanwhile a lone guy was practicing lacrosse. I wasn't paying a lot of attention to it until all of the sudden I feel the impact of the ball on my leg. Honestly I didn't even realize the ball was coming towards me until I felt it.
It doesn't look like much, but believe me if hurt like a bitch. I was seating there and realized that it was going to suck if this was the only bruise I got today.
I have to point out that it was my first time trying outdoor wheels. I had skated the night before with my new skates and done fine but with these outdoor wheels it felt like I was slipping every four seconds. I excused myself to change my wheels and came back and felt more comfortable after this.
More comfortable wasn't good enough. There's a LOT of skaters better than me. I'm at the bottom of the scale right now and I try pushing myself, and pushing but I know it's not going to be good enough. By missing the last session I missed on jumping, I missed on weaving in and out... and I am just horrible at skating. I was able to do some jumps... but not when the coach was watching. When the coach watched me I freaked out and fell. I also managed during a jump to smack myself in the nose with my own hand causing myself to bleed a little bit.
We were doing paces when I just broke down. I started crying as I tried to catch up with the others. I fake that I am confident very well but in reality due to personal events that I have been through I am not. I just fell all my insecurities float up... but I kept skating. I kept doing it. Even if I was far behind and even if during pyramids tears were flowing down my eyes as my mind tried to set up traps telling me that I can't do it. I was probably very slow...and I'm probably not going to make it into the league after this one recruitment.
When we started there were 35 of us now there's 15. Most of the girls have had skating experience (some of them have done derby before, are figure skaters, etc) so I am aware that I am at the bottom of the pile. However, I am not giving up. I will continue skating through tears in my eyes, and when it feels like my body is falling apart I will keep on going.
No one said it was going to be easy, I can't do crossovers, I can't lift my leg up and glide, my body seems to be terrified of the superman falls but it doesn't mean that I will never be able to do them. When I finally make it through I am going to be so proud of myself. Right now? At least I can derby stance like a motherfucker.
Also yes, that was my only bruise for the day. I am sure am a winner aren't I?
Yes, you know that we're in for a thrilling post when that's the first thing I start off with. I missed Thursday practice because of a previous engagement. The previous engagement was a date with my boyfriend to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2. It was a job related thing so yeah I would have felt horrible if I had told him that no I was going to go practice.
Today's practice was the first outdoor practice I was able to do stuff in. My friend and I always get to the practice early and we were talking with some of the other recruits. Meanwhile a lone guy was practicing lacrosse. I wasn't paying a lot of attention to it until all of the sudden I feel the impact of the ball on my leg. Honestly I didn't even realize the ball was coming towards me until I felt it.
I have to point out that it was my first time trying outdoor wheels. I had skated the night before with my new skates and done fine but with these outdoor wheels it felt like I was slipping every four seconds. I excused myself to change my wheels and came back and felt more comfortable after this.
More comfortable wasn't good enough. There's a LOT of skaters better than me. I'm at the bottom of the scale right now and I try pushing myself, and pushing but I know it's not going to be good enough. By missing the last session I missed on jumping, I missed on weaving in and out... and I am just horrible at skating. I was able to do some jumps... but not when the coach was watching. When the coach watched me I freaked out and fell. I also managed during a jump to smack myself in the nose with my own hand causing myself to bleed a little bit.
Except it's a she but you know...(http://fuckyeahrollerderbyotter.tumblr.com)
We were doing paces when I just broke down. I started crying as I tried to catch up with the others. I fake that I am confident very well but in reality due to personal events that I have been through I am not. I just fell all my insecurities float up... but I kept skating. I kept doing it. Even if I was far behind and even if during pyramids tears were flowing down my eyes as my mind tried to set up traps telling me that I can't do it. I was probably very slow...and I'm probably not going to make it into the league after this one recruitment.
When we started there were 35 of us now there's 15. Most of the girls have had skating experience (some of them have done derby before, are figure skaters, etc) so I am aware that I am at the bottom of the pile. However, I am not giving up. I will continue skating through tears in my eyes, and when it feels like my body is falling apart I will keep on going.
No one said it was going to be easy, I can't do crossovers, I can't lift my leg up and glide, my body seems to be terrified of the superman falls but it doesn't mean that I will never be able to do them. When I finally make it through I am going to be so proud of myself. Right now? At least I can derby stance like a motherfucker.
Also yes, that was my only bruise for the day. I am sure am a winner aren't I?
Monday, July 11, 2011
Dehydration sucks just as much as not having skates.
On Thursday night/ Friday morning I woke up with a horrible headache. I tossed and turned and I kept getting hot and cold. A part of me thought I was going to die as I stumbled towards the bathroom and managed to lean over the toilet and threw up the contents of my dinner.
It was only when my friend walked up to me with a cup of olive juice that I realized that I was dehydrated. I made sure to drink water during and after practice. I was feeling fine during practice, not dehydrated at all or even thirsty. When I got home I felt a bit strange and saw odd colors as I blinked but I thought I was just exhausted.
After that night of throwing up and being sent home from work due to not being able to keep anything down I have a new sentence to live by: Drink water. Honestly, if I drink too much it will never be enough. I never want to be that sick ever again.
Sunday was outdoor practice and I felt useless... I don't have skates yet so I wasn't doing much. I just got to watch people getting better while I just stood in the sidelines. It really sucked because I can't make it to this Thursday's practice due to a previous engagement so unless I get skates before Sunday's practice I will be pretty much missing two practices.
I know, I know, is too early for me to be missing practices all ready but...thing is I managed to be invited to an early showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 so yeah...that definitely takes priority even though I'll be thinking about what is going on at practice I still plan to enjoy myself.
Conclusion: Drink water!
It was only when my friend walked up to me with a cup of olive juice that I realized that I was dehydrated. I made sure to drink water during and after practice. I was feeling fine during practice, not dehydrated at all or even thirsty. When I got home I felt a bit strange and saw odd colors as I blinked but I thought I was just exhausted.
After that night of throwing up and being sent home from work due to not being able to keep anything down I have a new sentence to live by: Drink water. Honestly, if I drink too much it will never be enough. I never want to be that sick ever again.
Sunday was outdoor practice and I felt useless... I don't have skates yet so I wasn't doing much. I just got to watch people getting better while I just stood in the sidelines. It really sucked because I can't make it to this Thursday's practice due to a previous engagement so unless I get skates before Sunday's practice I will be pretty much missing two practices.
I know, I know, is too early for me to be missing practices all ready but...thing is I managed to be invited to an early showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 so yeah...that definitely takes priority even though I'll be thinking about what is going on at practice I still plan to enjoy myself.
Conclusion: Drink water!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Recruitment and Training Day 1
I would like to start this by saying that I have no idea how this thought of me being graceful on roller skates came to me. Oh, wait I know perfectly well what happened.
There I was one day with nothing to do on a weekend when my friend Heather asks me to go see derby with her. Now in my head I just thought of hot girls on roller skates beating each other up. Then I thought of how cool fishnets and booty shorts were and I decided that hell yeah I was going to see roller derby.
During the match, seeing those girls be so graceful and just bad ass moved me and a couple of months later my friend told me about recruitment and how she was thinking of going. It became clear that she was going when she bought the skates so I shrugged my shoulders and decided why not.
Did I stated all ready that I have the grace of a rhino? I flail my arms around and it takes a lot of concentration for me to coordinate what my arms and legs are doing together. Also I fall on a regular basis. One day I tripped on my own feet and fell down the stairs in my apartment, I am also ridiculously tall and sometimes get off balance when I'm regularly walking. So you should realize that there is absolutely no real reason why I should be doing this to myself. Oh I also hate sports, get easilly tired and I'm incredibly lazy. Yeah, this seems like a great idea.
Well recruitment came and went. Everyone was extremely nice to me and my friend. just getting to know these wonderful and amazing girls made me want to do it even more. Also... I fell a bunch of times and got a bruise on my knee. I'm not joking, seriously...look:
Yes, I got a bruise after only 20 minutes of skating. Told you I was as graceful as a rhino. After recruitment I also decided to go and try things out at an adult skate at a local ring. never again I got run over EVEN on the beginners ring. Well, might as well get used to that.
It is noteworthy to say that there was a drawing of a rhino on the wall. The rhino was more graceful than I was.
Today I felt sick to my stomach while thinking about doing training. I don't even own my own pair of skates! I have to use the rental ones, and most of my gear is hand me downs. Oh yeah, this is how I'm rocking it! We learned how to fall. You would think that after falling so many times I would know how to do it. Well... I don't. I seem to have the consistency of a water balloon so while the other derby girls seemed to glide on their kneepads I just fell down and...exploded. We also did the slider falls which I kind of got the hang of.
The strange part is though even though all of this I want to go and do it again. Well I all ready spent the same amount I make on a whole day of work and am aware I will spend a lot more on it so I'm probably going to stick around for this. But I will probably kill myself in the floor or get run over.
There I was one day with nothing to do on a weekend when my friend Heather asks me to go see derby with her. Now in my head I just thought of hot girls on roller skates beating each other up. Then I thought of how cool fishnets and booty shorts were and I decided that hell yeah I was going to see roller derby.
During the match, seeing those girls be so graceful and just bad ass moved me and a couple of months later my friend told me about recruitment and how she was thinking of going. It became clear that she was going when she bought the skates so I shrugged my shoulders and decided why not.
Did I stated all ready that I have the grace of a rhino? I flail my arms around and it takes a lot of concentration for me to coordinate what my arms and legs are doing together. Also I fall on a regular basis. One day I tripped on my own feet and fell down the stairs in my apartment, I am also ridiculously tall and sometimes get off balance when I'm regularly walking. So you should realize that there is absolutely no real reason why I should be doing this to myself. Oh I also hate sports, get easilly tired and I'm incredibly lazy. Yeah, this seems like a great idea.
Well recruitment came and went. Everyone was extremely nice to me and my friend. just getting to know these wonderful and amazing girls made me want to do it even more. Also... I fell a bunch of times and got a bruise on my knee. I'm not joking, seriously...look:
Yes, I got a bruise after only 20 minutes of skating. Told you I was as graceful as a rhino. After recruitment I also decided to go and try things out at an adult skate at a local ring. never again I got run over EVEN on the beginners ring. Well, might as well get used to that.
It is noteworthy to say that there was a drawing of a rhino on the wall. The rhino was more graceful than I was.
Today I felt sick to my stomach while thinking about doing training. I don't even own my own pair of skates! I have to use the rental ones, and most of my gear is hand me downs. Oh yeah, this is how I'm rocking it! We learned how to fall. You would think that after falling so many times I would know how to do it. Well... I don't. I seem to have the consistency of a water balloon so while the other derby girls seemed to glide on their kneepads I just fell down and...exploded. We also did the slider falls which I kind of got the hang of.
The strange part is though even though all of this I want to go and do it again. Well I all ready spent the same amount I make on a whole day of work and am aware I will spend a lot more on it so I'm probably going to stick around for this. But I will probably kill myself in the floor or get run over.
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