Why are we doing this again? Because we're awesome!

Something that I learned in my past recruitment is that falling is so easy, but getting up is harder. It is easy to just give up and say fuck it I'm done I am not meant to this but it is so much harder to suck it up and push yourself harder.

It is even harder if you did it once, failed, and now you are just standing there awkwardly with all the new girls that haven't done this before and the old veterans that are like: "Oh you're back!". I have stated in the past that I'm obnoxiously paranoid. I don't think about someone helping me as them being nice I just always feel like they are obligated to. Imagine my surprise when I felt that the girls were sincerely happy to see me. Even more so with the girls I went through recruitment last time. Even one of them that I admire due to her skating skills came up and talk to me to say how excited and nervous she was for me and my roomie.

Mind you I was nervous as hell when we started skating. I seem to not be able to do crossover any more (WTF feet? I thought we had this. It seems like we keep getting it and you chicken out... I am disappointed in you.) and I wasn't as fast as I feel I should be but at least I didn't fall and managed to drag some of the other girls with me.

It seems that some stuff stuck with me, even though I need new pads. I could feel the vibrations hit my knees. I also need to work on stoping and just being more comfortable with myself. I think that all of my insecurities just tend to flourish when I'm under stress and that was the reason for what happened last time. Plus not to mention a whole lot of personal stuff going on but... yeah.

It's easy to give up and say I am not doing derby. However, I am choosing to get up within 3 seconds and skate to try and knock someone out.

I get the weirdest marks from my gear. This one is from my helmet. Can it count as a derby bruise?

Recruitment Part 2: This time it's personal

So guess what? This blog is active again because!!!!

Recruitment is back in session! Let's get this stuff down! Now with more water, more falls, more bruising, and less whining. 

The last part might not be true but you know I'll do my best to avoid whining.... until I fall and cry. 

Struggling with myself.

I have been avoiding updating due to being tired of posting very sad posts. However, I decided that since this deals with part of my struggles in becoming  derby girl that I should post about it. Mind you this isn't about self pity or about trying to get attention but this blog has been the one I have most recently been keeping up to date so I might as well just talk about this.

I have dealt with depression since middle school due to things I rather not get into detail about. For this past year I have been seen a psychologist that has helped me with it. I have not informed him that it gets worst at certain times and I have never been able to pin point exactly when it happens. All I know is that there's just some time where I can't even roll out of bed. Usually it affects my school work, I avoid going to school because I'm finding it hard to get out of bed. Then I have missed class for so long that I don't see a point in going back.

It seems that right now it's affecting something I've been aiming for. I don't low I just feel like I keep getting in the way of people. The past few weeks the change of schedule in our practices have messed up with my class schedule and my work schedule big time. Plus add to that the fact I'm in midterms, and I can't even breath due to the fact that i'm freaking out about accomplishing my school goals, my relationships goals, and trying to get into derby that i just feel like screaming and just crawling into a hole and die.

I think the breaking point was Tomahawk Stops, it seems that everything has just unraveled since then and I just can't find the courage or the energy to push myself back up. Today I'm missing practice due to my work requesting something I have to hand in tomorrow. Instead of working on that I find myself just crying and sobbering to myself wondering why I even decided this was a good idea and how much I wish I could just strap on skates and do everything.

Not to mention that my checks get mailed and I'm missing one check and I haven't paid dues and I am just wondering if I am really meant to do this. I don't know if I'm meant to skate, I don't know anymore if I'm even meant to be doing this.

I just don't know if I can anymore.

Little me

My biological father has always been into sports. My memories of him always involve him with a basketball, playing, or doing some sort of sport. He was so good that he even was a professional basketball player and that was his main source of income for the longest time. He once even competed in some sort of Interamerican game or something like that my memory is fuzzy and the main thing I remember was that the mascot was a seal and he brought me a plush version of it. My point is that if you look at my father you would expect me to be a bit athletic. If you talk to me, I am the opposite of an athletic person. I am nerdy, I wear glasses, I have no eye and feet coordination, and I'm extremely clumsy. As such, most of my time as a teenager I had drifted more into performing arts than sports. However, when I was younger I tried a couple of times to play sports. Volleyball left much to be desired, but the hardest thing was getting told I could not play basketball.

I am tall, obnoxiously tall. When I was younger the most usual question I would get asked was if I played any sports. This got really annoying, really fast for an eleven to early teen who is just trying to figure out where she could fit in. Add to that the fact that my father was a basketball player and the awkwardness never ended. I wanted to try a sport, more importantly I wanted to play basketball. I wanted to have something that I could connect with my father. I wanted him to come to my games and cheer for me!

My PE class at school was awful. I wanted to try and play basketball but usually the boys were the ones playing and they didn't want to play with me while the girls just usually sat in a corner talking or pretending to exercise. I shouldn't blame the guys for this one too much though because peer pressure made me not ask to play as much as I should have probably asked. On the other hand every time I tried my PE instructor told me to just play with the girls (Meaning just hang out with the girls in a corner) even though our school had a female team so... yeah.

I remember vividly that they had these little things at school called basketball seminars or something like that. It consisted of bringing kids that wanted to play basketball (the only properly handled sport in my school asides from cheerleading) and just have them practice and learn the basics of the game. It wasn't something made so the kids would be part of the team at all it was just something for them to do as an extracurricular activity for a couple of weeks. I had decided I wanted to do it. I talked my parents into taking me to them and picking me up which due to the fact we lived far away from the school was a feature on itself so needles to say I was excited.

It wasn't so bad in the beginning, and I don't remember exactly what I did wrong at all. I remember practicing, and being able to kinda put some hoops in. I was the only girl in the group and the guys would still not want to play with me. Well some of them did, since I was good friends with some of them but they also quickly succumbed to peer pressure and stopped playing with me.

I must have done something very bad, or didn't seem to be catching up as much as they wanted me too because they had me doing things like walking on the lines to try and improve my balance and kept telling me I was doing it wrong. Mind you I was around 11 to 12 years old, telling a kid to do exercises like these and not explaining it to her while the other kids are playing basketball made me feel like such a freak and idiot. I even remember once the coach actually telling me that I wasn't ever going to be able to play basketball because I had no balance and I was too clumsy. She said that I couldn't coordinate myself well enough to play and that I was just making the guys look bad and not want to play. Mind you I knew these boys and they were always asking her and myself why I wasn't playing with them. Slowly I realized that it might have been that some of the boys didn't want to play with me but that the coach just didn't want me playing with them.

I told my mom and dad that I didn't want to play anymore. After that I wasn't able to get into any other sports. I did cheerleading for a little while but I didn't really want to do it that much. I really just wanted to play basketball but after that whole experience and how horrible cheerleading girls and the whole atmosphere can be I decided not to do any more sports.

At some point I wanted rollerblades, I don't even know why I wanted rollerblades. I don't know if it was a movie I watched, or a cartoon, or just saw someone rollerblading but I wanted them. I saved up all my allowances to buy this kit that I saw at a sports place. It included a rollerblade bag, knee pads, wrist guards, and skates. I put those things on and started rollerblading in my house. I'm from Puerto Rico, so there weren't many parks at all so rollerblading was confined to my house and in the front street.

I was obsessed, but I never really got the hang of rollerblading. I mainly spend most of my time waving my arms in the air, falling, and just looking like an idiot. I remember watching rollerblading movies on tv so I could find out how to skate. Every time that we got a chance to go to a park I would bring my rollerblades. One day we were at a park and I was allowed to skate around. I have to point out that in Puerto Rico there's not really any well kept park (at least when I lived there) so by skating in a park I mean skating in pure concrete. Cars will also drive in the same place we were allowed to skate so there were potholes and a whole bunch of other horrible stuff in it. This particular day I was trying to go over a speed bump...it didn't work out well.

I felt like I was going to fall so I desperately tried to maintain my balance and went around in a circle I tried to fall back on my butt (I didn't know what I do now I was only around thirteen) but somehow managed to go around again and fell. My forehead was the first thing that came in contact with the ground. I wasn't wearing a helmet. I felt a bump forming on my forehead and a headache starting. I got up and skated back to my father who laughed at me and asked if I was ok. He called me cyclops for weeks to come and so did the rest of my family. I laughed too because it was pretty darn funny.

Eventually, my roller blades fell in disuse. I guess after that fall I didn't think I was actually meant for skating. I then went into theater performing, computer, video games, and just became the complete opposite of what an athletic person is. I was just so convinced that I would never be able to play sports that I gave up the idea of it or of being any type of active person. The closest I ever came to being active was having a job at Disneyworld in which I was close friends with the characters.

I once read in a derby blog to imagine your little young self watching you on the floor and how cool and awesome she thought you were. If old me had the chance to go back in time and tell little awkward thirteen year old me that one day I would be able to put on skates, and would join a sport were people are supportive and don't give up on you I am sure she would have scoffed.

Then I would look at her and say: No really... you're going to be all right. 

I'm abusive.

I am a bad blogger. I knew that going into this but hey... at least I'm updating.

First off I was supposed to post about this a while back. My awesome friend Shae is also doing roller derby and got me this adorable sticker for my helmet. Is the first sticker I ever had and it says Freshmeat. I've decided that when I get to take it off I will hold a party on its honor:

Ha, ha I am so girly with my pink helmet and purple...stuff

Why will I make  party in its honor? Because I have a long way to go, but more on that later. I have to write about how much of an abusive person I am. I seem to have a habit of biting and abusing my gear. At first I didn't want to show any empathy for my gear because...it's gear its supposed to do that but now I kind of feel bad. First off lets start with my mouthguard...my poor mouthguard seems to be holding on with everything it can, but it doesn't think it'll make it through. 

                            

You can't see it so well in these pictures but the left side of my mouthguard is torn in half. Yes, I am planning on getting a new one soon. 

I have no idea how I managed to destroy my mouthguard but the most shocking things that I seem to have abused are my skates. Don't get me wrong, I was expecting them to have scrapes, and be as badly bruised as I was but after less than two months of skating ....

The boots seem to be coming off! I have never let them in my car during extreme heats or anything like that so I am baffled as to why they seem to be so worn down after a considerable short period of time. Plus adding to the fact that I suck skating they are probably not getting as much tear as some of the other girls. It's strange, I wonder if my height has anything to do with it. The worst part is how I noticed them. 

In the time that I haven't been updating some of the recruits that are actually acceptable have been able to scrimmage, and do other fun stuff. I have just been cheerleader and memorizing the roles of the positions, but I assure you if I ever get to scrimmage I will promptly forget everything. Anyways, last Thursday was our final test which I didn't past but I was expecting that. However, the best part was doing 5 laps in 1 minute. 

I was battling a cold, and pushing myself hard and at the beginning of my second lap something felt weird...odd. I thought my laces were just not tied properly and ignored it, but at one point it felt like my right skate was about to fold completely under me. Ignoring it, I continued to push myself forward and managed a time of 1minute and 17 seconds. 

I'm kind of angry at myself because perhaps if I wasn't sick I would have been able to make it, but on the other hand two months ago I would have never imagined that I was going to be able to do that much. So, I just have to keep practicing and pushing myself and I'll be able to master them! 

Speaking of practice on Sunday was when I actually inspected my skates and noticed the glue coming undone so I think that might be the reason why my right skate was so unstable, which sucks but hey...gives me an excuse to save up for skates! 

See those awesome girls in that video? I train with them and one day in the future I will be joining them and be as awesome as they are! Now I just have to keep focusing and pushing myself! Because two months ago I would have scoffed at the idea of being able to do anything in skates and now I can actually... stand on them? Not very impressive but... I'll get there! 

The reason why I am so motivated? Mainly because I went to a derby game on Saturday and saw two tall girls playing that became my heroes...their blocking was amazing and plus seeing all the scrimmaging going on during practice makes me want to push harder! I can do this! I know I can and even more important I WANT TO DO THIS! 

Blocking, knees, backward skating and fingers.

We have started blocking in recruitment now and I have noticed something. Some of the girls...actually get as low as they can to the ground when is my turn to block them. You know what that means? They are scared of me. They are aware that once I master skating I shall be a mighty blocker that will just make them tumble to the ground!

Either that or they don't want me to accidentally loose my balance and fall on top of them. It's all very possible. For my sake I'm going to with the mighty blocker reference. Specially with what I did to my roommate/friend.

These bruises and the ones made by other psycho sisters made her job tell her that she couldn't wear short sleeved shirts to work.

For the most part I think I'll be ok at blocking is just a matter of skating and doing it at the same time. I mean that's the big issue with me I think that I just need more confidence in my skates and then I'll be ok. I bitch and whine a lot, saying I don't want to do this anymore but there are times when I feel down on myself during practice and there are other times when I feel fantastic. I think is all in my head, just like how I psych myself out when I backwards skate.

I have no idea how or why I can do it but I'm all right at backward skating. This isn't to say that I'm fantastic at it, but I could be doing a lot worst. However, it is the fact that I'm not doing awful at it that psyches me out. While I'm skating I think OMG I must be doing something wrong because it seems that I am moving and going slightly faster. Then I just think too much and slow down even though three seconds ago I was going faster. I swear I am insane.

Today we did a very scary thing. We have been working on being a pack for a little while and one of the exercises was just skating and plow stopping. At some point I ended up on top of another girl on the floor (probably messed up my sticky skating) and her wheel seems to have hit my finger. How the hell do I injure my finger and it doesn't involved getting it run over? I have no clue but this is my luck

Yeah it doesn't look like much but it looked swollen and I couldn't move it... I'm a pansy ok?

We then pretended to be jammers which just reminded me jamming scares the hell out of me. However I feel like I did an acceptable job. There was a time when they were skating and we had to push through a group of blockers (they were just standing not really blocking) and then they were standing still but we had to step on skates. I was hoping that by going to the group of blockers I wouldn't have to deal but yeah didn't quite work. I feel like I'm at least getting faster even if I die in the process.

Oh that reminds me, we practiced whips and some other sort of blocking. I was paired with one of the psycho sister that I affectionately call The Wall because honestly she is a solid wall. She was very helpful and patient. During the other drills all of the sisters were so helpful. One of them tried pushing me and even dragging me behind her when I couldn't keep up. Once again this women in this League are amazing and I am so lucky that they seem to not have given up on me. Hell, I think that even one of the referees believe in me because he's always pushing me to do better. These ladies are amazing and I would have probably given up on myself if it weren't for them and my roommate. The way they cheer and compliment me even though I am horrific gives me hope. Even if I feel like dying most of the time.

We did burpees today... I think I should end that sentence right there, but I have to get this out of my chest. WHO THE HELL INVENTED BURPEES? What type of masochistic person decided you know push ups aren't bad enough we should make them jump and then go to the ground and then just ha ha we'll make them do insane things before they do a push up. During these I seem to have acquired a bump on my knee.

I should be used to getting hurt on my knees but this one hurt.

I whine, complain, bitch and moan but believe me I'll be there next week. Why? Clearly I'm a masochist. Also I think the bruises give me character! As a bonus here is a picture of another bruise from when I tried to block one of the psycho sister. I made her move a bit but I ended up on the floor.

I've never taken these many pics of random parts of my body... Maybe if you piece them all together you can get an idea of what I look like. Add the flailing arms to that image and I promise you it will never be enough! 

Skating it out

Note to readers: This was supposed to be posted a long time ago. I'm sorry that I have failed in keeping up with blogging. This post will be composed of the Thursday before last, and Sunday before last. There will probably be another post tomorrow regarding last Thursday and today

I have been lacking on my updates. Originally I wanted to try and post after every practice but this past week some personal drama has come around and has left me not wanting to write much.

Thursday before the last (or something like that the dates are all jumbled in my head right now) We had our first exam. Honestly, I didn't think that I was horrible until we started testing. I don't know if it was the nerves since everybody watched me but I just couldn't get anything down right. The most terrifying and horrible part was when we were doing jumps.

I am sure the girls, coach and everybody else thinks that I can't do jumps. If I was them I wouldn't believe me too. I have to get my friends that have practice with me on our own time to vouch for me so I don't look like a liar and they will say that I can do jumps amazingly while we are doing it on our own. I can do double jumps I don't need to do the step jump I can just bring both of my legs up and get a lot of air. I have no idea how I'm capable of doing these but I can. However, put me in front of a crowd at practice or make myself aware that I'm being watched and I'll fall over. I can't even do the jump steps during practice.

It was time for testing and I was feeling confident in at least my jumping and I was concentrating and thinking I will show them once and for all that I can do these jumps. I did my weaving and then sped up to try and do the jumping section of the test. I felt so confident going up to those noodles that I just kept thinking I can do this! It's all mental I know I can do this. When it came time for jumping I jumped but somehow slipped and I fell backwards very hard.

It was mainly scary, I couldn't even stand up for a moment it hurt so bad. I felt tears in my eyes due to pain, humiliation, and also frustration. I was scared that I had broken something. I was humiliated that I had failed so hard in front of everybody. I was frustrated that I couldn't do what I had done hundreds of time in private. I was frustrated that I was crying and that everybody was probably wondering what was wrong with me and what an idiot I was. I heard a distant voice ask me if I was ok. I shook my head from side to side to signal a no but then I pushed myself up and heard the question again. There was so much pain running through my body. I wanted to just give up, to just skate pass the noodles and not even attempt to jump them. I don't know how I was able to at least attempt to step jump them and I was able to do it without injuring myself too much. I felt like such a failure at that point that it was a miracle I even managed to talk to anybody after that. We didn't even finish our testing that day and I was so beat and disillusioned that right off the bat I didn't even think I wanted to go to Sunday's practice.

 Sunday started awful. I had a rather emotional moving situation in which I had to pack my stuff and move them from one place into storage. We got done and got some lunch and had about an hour and a half before practice. I was feeling awful, just dragging on and wanted to just call out of it. This kept going back and forth between my roommate and I who kept trying to convince the other to either go or not go to practice. Somehow we pushed through and decided to go.

There were still some parts of the testing we had to do. I felt like vomiting through most of them, however I didn't do as bad as I thought. I can't do one foot glides yet, but I did a lot better than usual when we did the pace lines. We did pace lines and then we had to break from pack and catch up to it again. The first time I tried to do them I couldn't keep up at all with anyone, but this could also be that the other girls are also improving and pacing themselves to match all the skaters in the group.

Even though that sounds incredibly optimistic there were parts of practice were I felt like vomiting. We did this exercise were we got into a pack and were assigned numbers. When the numbers were called the girls with that number had to do double knee falls. No one knew anybody else's number. There were points were I have no idea how I didn't run somebody over, and we did it for a rather long time in which I was certain I was going to pass out.

It was hard to push through and there were times were I just wanted to go home, however my roommate kept telling me to just push through and at the end of practice there was an opportunity to keep skating or go home. Somehow we managed to keep skating and we got to practice with the Psycho Girls which was amazing. I am so touched with how encouraging all of them are, and how sweet they are. Honestly if it weren't for most of there words of encouragement I would just have thrown the towel long time ago.

Oh! I almost forgot! The coach told my roommate and I something funny. We were paired to practice blocking and she tells us "Understand that if I can make you guys into blockers even I will skate away from you guys". Which pretty much means that she has faith that we can become amazing blockers, and the rest of the Psycho Sisters believe the same thing so... I can't let them down. As frustrating as it is I have to keep pushing myself hard, even if I think I'm getting nowhere.

Remember how I said I didn't get a bruise on last post? I lied. I have a bruise from doing crossovers were  I think part of my leg landed on my wheel.

Boyfriend's comment: "That's gross." I took it as a compliment :).